I am a breast cancer survivor and author of “Don’t Wait – Our Full-Time RV Journey Through Breast Cancer”. I felt compelled to write a series of blog posts about the breast cancer journey from the patient’s perspective. I’m tackling topics I feel are important to the breast cancer patient. From the breast surgeon, to well-meaning friends and family, to a day in the life of a breast cancer survivor (me), I want to shed light on the reality of breast cancer. If you missed my Letter from the Breast Cancer Patient to the Breast Surgeon, you can find it here.
Dear family and friends,
We know you mean well, but there are just some things that are better left unsaid or at least thought about first when speaking your loved one who is dealing breast cancer.
There are also topics we would really like to discuss, but you are uncomfortable talking about. I get that. It can be uncomfortable. But guess what, having breast cancer isn’t comfortable either.
Keep reading because we also have a list of things you can do to help us.
Here is a list of things you should not say to the breast cancer patient
- Did you get breast cancer from the Covid vaccine? This was asked of me by two people, and the answer is no! Breast cancer has been around a lot longer than the Covid vaccine.
- How are you doing? Okay, I get that you’re being polite by asking a breast cancer patient this question. However, do you really want to know the answer? Because I’m going to guess that you want us to say “I’m fine” when we’re really not. The response we want to say is, “I’m doing well aside from the side effects of the drug I’m taking that has me in menopause for another 5 years at least. And hopefully this drug is killing any cancer cells that may be floating around in my body looking for a new home to try and kill me.”
- You’ve recovered from surgery to remove the tumor and you’re cured. Celebrate that you’re done with cancer. I’m going to refer you to the answer above for this one because I’m not done.
- You don’t even look like you’ve been sick. Yeah, some of us don’t look like we’ve been sick, that’s true. See, we’re the “lucky ones” who didn’t lose their hair because of chemo. Again, I’ll refer you to the answer for the second one above. Also, I have a scar from one armpit to the other that will prove otherwise.
- Your breast cancer is hard on me, and I’m having a hard time supporting you. I’m sorry, it’s hard on you? What do you think the person with cancer is going through?
- As far as cancer goes, this is a good one to get. Just to be clear, there are no good cancers.
- When someone tells you they have cancer, please do not list everyone you know who has ever had cancer. For once, it should be about the person telling you they have cancer, not about everyone else.
- What do you think you did to cause your cancer? Seriously, never ask a breast cancer patient this.
- Please do not tell your loved one who is going through breast cancer horror stories of others “you know” who’ve had breast cancer. This is neither wanted nor helpful.
- Please do not offer advice about herbal supplements, foods, or other remedies that “will cure your cancer”. Not helpful.
- I understand what you’re going through. Unless you’ve been diagnosed, had treatment, surgery, etc., you don’t know how we feel.
- This one comes from a close friend whose cancer has spread to her bones and she is now terminal. “People should let a cancer patient with terminal diagnosis talk about death. All I get from 2 close girlfriends and my sister are, ‘Why are you talking about that, you’re going to live a long time’. … Well I’ve got a 5 yr average life expectancy and I’m year 2. ‘Well who’s counting?’. I AM! I just wish these people would let us talk!”
Basically, a woman diagnosed with breast cancer feels like she’s just been hit by a truck. This was totally unexpected, and the idea of having to make the tough decisions regarding surgery and treatment is exhausting. We don’t want pity, but we do want you to be caring, compassionate, and sensitive.
Here are some ways you can help
- What are you hungry for? This is especially for during treatment/surgery/recovery. An offer to bring dinner is always helpful.
- Listen and do not interrupt. Sometimes we just need to vent and get it out of our head.
- As with the first one, offer to bring food, dining gift cards, and chocolate—lots of chocolate!
- Offer to help by cleaning the house, running errands, taking them to appointments. It takes quite a while for a breast cancer patient to regain their strength and energy.
- Can I add you to my prayer chain list? Prayer can be powerful, and even the thought of someone caring enough to add a patient to their prayer chain can be uplifting.
- Can I sit with you during your treatment? This is especially true for someone going through chemo treatments which can be upwards of 8 hours.
- Can I tend to your garden, mow your lawn, etc? It’s bad enough that the patient is going through breast cancer, if they are an avid gardener and see their garden start to deteriorate, that can have a negative effect on them emotionally. Seeing their garden thriving can also raise their spirits.
- Can I make a library run for you? As patients go through treatment, surgery, and recovery, they have a lot of empty time on their hands. A good book can help pass the time.
- Offer to give the primary caregiver a break. At some point in the process every breast cancer patient requires help and emotional support. This usually comes from their primary caregiver. Offering to help for even a few hours gives the caregiver time to get reenergized so they can be the best caregiver they can be.
As you can see, it takes a lot to get a breast cancer patient from diagnosis through surgery, treatment, and into recovery mode. Care, compassion, and sensitivity are so important to a successful emotional, physical, and mental outcome for us.
Love,
Your family member or friend with breast cancer.
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